Catholic Singles

I'm 60 years old as of earlier this month. Looking at those two digits, 6 and 0, and listening to the words as I speak them ("I'm 60 years old."), I'm flummoxed, flabbergasted and fraught with anxiety.

Where's the wisdom? Why don't I feel solid, settled and wise? I've learned some things along the way, of course: the difference between love and lust (I'm single, so it's a big one, I know, and it took me awhile), why envy is debilitating and self-limiting, that one is never too old to dream and in fact should be encouraged to do so. The most enduring lesson I've learned, the one that withstands time and has never been proven wrong, is the importance of loving kindness. People are fragile, not fragile as in weak, but psychically fragile.

However, rather than practicing loving kindness towards all, I find myself withholding. In my secret heart I've discovered that I subscribe to the Peanuts' worldview -- I love mankind, it's people I can't stand. I act with loving kindness to only the chosen few -- family, close friends, children (except that one child who threw stones at my dog) -- to the rest of the world I display irritation, impatience and anger. How can there be such a disconnect between what I know at the very core of my being -- that people need and deserve loving kindness -- and how I act in my daily life? I resolve constantly to offer loving kindess to that co-worker who gets on my nerves, that relative who is able to push my buttons in 1 or 2 sentences but instead catch myself seething with anger or mumbling and grumbling to myself with mean hearted thoughts.

I've recently started the spiritual practice of Eucharistic adoration. Monday evenings from 5:30 to 6:30p I sit before God. I pray that I learn to offer loving kindess to all, even my enemies. During this hour, I also read the bible. I've finished through the story of Noah and you know what? In those early stories, Adam, Eve, Cain, Able, Noah and all his children down to Abraham -- those long lived people of more that 500 years -- they were crying out to God during their last days, begging Him to grant them wisdom -- after 500 + years! I alternate between despair and vindication.

So I guess I'll continue to pray and when I start that inner cursing and mumbling and grumbling, I'll try to stop, ask myself why, take a deep breath and send out some loving kindness. Maybe God will grant me a long lived life, at the end of which I'll achieve wisdom -- and 60 will feel like a very young age!