“OK sweetie, love you,” I said hanging up the phone.
“Whoa, whooaa, man! Whoa! Who you saying the “L” word to?” My buddy asked.
“Dude, it’s just my sister.”
“Oh. OK.”
My friend’s false scare got me thinking. When is it the right time to say the “L” word? Generally on Instagram and Facebook people use the “L” word after two or three weeks of dating and discovering some amazing talent that person has that makes him or her absolutely lovable; like he can drive stick or she makes chocolate pancakes.
She takes a selfie with him, hash-tags about how uniquely talented he is for being part of the 4% of America who can drive stick.
Trevor, you are so talented, I love you! I wanna love you forever!! #blessed, #blessedalot #luckygirl.
Or, he tweets a close up of the pancakes: I love my girl! She makes amazing pancakes!! @amandagirl #chocolatepancakes.
Unfortunately, I’m not that emotionally liberal yet and unless she paid my rent or gave me a 90 minute deep tissue massage for absolutely no reason at all, I probably won’t be using the “L” word anytime soon. That’s not for selfish reasons, just for self-preservation.
If you’re putting your heart into the “L” word and give that word to someone then, logically, they have a piece of your heart. Do that half a dozen times through different relationships and eventually you’re left without much of a heart. Kim from college has part of it; Anna from acquisitions two floors down has a piece of it; Jill that online date, and even that barista crush you had….you’re heart is literally in pieces across the nation. Doesn’t take Spock to figure that out.
Consequently, I advocate for more “L” word scrutiny: a checklist of criteria you and that someone special need to meet before dishing out the “L” word in public or private. Here are a few options to choose from, pick and choose your criteria. I’ll probably use them all, and maybe a few more, too.
First, love is sacrifice. Say the “L” word if you’re willing to sacrifice for someone. Would you shift a few appointments and pass up Trivia night at the bar to pick her up from the airport?
Or, would you pass up girls’ night out to attend an awards dinner for his work? No really, you’ll pass up a night of drinks and dancing to accompany him over chicken breasts, asparagus and long speeches? That is sacrifice, but love is sacrifice.
Next, love hurts. Say the “L” word to someone who has caused you some pain. I don’t mean this in the masochist sort of way. It’s just that pain is really the gold standard for testing love. I know you’re dying to use the “L” word after 2 weeks of blissful dating, but I would suggest waiting a little longer until that person has caused you some pain or at least been a pain in the neck once or twice.
That doesn’t mean asking someone to cause you pain. Just keep going out like normal and wait. If you really like each other, it’ll happen sooner or later: a thoughtless word, an instance of hurtful miscommunication. If you still really like him after that, then you’re a step closer to the “L” word.
Also, you can’t love what you don’t know. Unless you’re Jesus it will take you longer than 3 weeks to get to know anybody in this world.
“But we really click!”
“I feel like I’ve known him my whole life and it’s only been a few days.”
No, you do not know that person. You need time. Your bond is not so special that you completely know each other after three weeks.
Finally, love is reciprocal. Say the “L” word to someone you think would say it back and give you all or most of the above back to you. If you’re not sure if they would, try and find out. Ask the opinion of an impartial friend.
“Hey Albert, you’ve seen us together a lot, you think Sarah loves me or at least really, really, really likes me?”
I would lean towards a 99.9% certainty that your significant other loves you before being the first to venture out with the “L” word. If he or she doesn’t love you, it’s plain weird.
“Ok….you love me, that’s nice….I dooon’t really love you, I’m sorry.”
Awkward. Very awkward.
If some or all of the above apply; or if you have a really good love criteria list of your own; go ahead and tag her in those chocolate pancake photos and tell the world you’ve found a culinary talented love of your life.
