Some time ago I wrote a blog Catholics Don’t Date. In the blog I made an observation on the lack of dating happening in Catholic communities. It was simply an observation and did not arrive to an explanation of why. Recently, the thematic has been a recurring thematic both Catholic blogging and locally in my own Church community and Catholic study groups. I’ve decided to find out exactly why Catholics are reluctant to go out with each other. Why will Catholic men surf a half a dozen dating apps before asking a girl out from Church? Why does the Church girl refrain from introducing herself to a nice guy she sees at Church?
With the help of a team of young Catholics, I conducted a small survey of 37 Catholic young professionals in Houston, Texas. We asked them to answer ten questions about their dating experiences and expectations within Catholic communities. Several of the girls we surveyed I wouldn’t mind asking out myself and I personally knew many of the guys to be capable gentlemen.
The survey was divided into separate questions for both men and women. The following is the feedback from the young women in the survey and things guys should probably know socializing in a Catholic community.
Before finding out why there’s not a lot of dating happening, we first attempted to find out if young Catholics even want to go out with each other. Guys should know that, on the women’s side, it’s an affirmative.
78% of the young women in the study reported having seen a guy in the Catholic community they’d like to go out with. That is, at least 3 of 4 women could potentially find at least first date satisfaction in their Catholic communities.
20% of the whole group admitted not having shown interest in their secret crush. There’s room for improvement, but still, it’s not bad considering the other 58% have done something about it. Guys, she may be out there but is just too shy to do anything about it.
When asked what they were looking for from Catholic men, “dating, open to a relationship” was the first choice. Coming in second was “just friends” and finally, the least popular option, “casual dating, nothing serious.” That’s not a huge surprise given that in most cultures dating typically does lead into relationships but it did indicate that many girls are looking for something more than the old “food and fellowship” when joining Church groups. It also indicates that they’d prefer to be friends or really date but not do something casually ambiguous in between. That’s a Catholic girl wish as old as Anne Boleyn (“YIFrom Acquaintance to First Date: What young women want in Catholic communities Pt 1
Some time ago I wrote a blog Catholics Don’t Date. In the blog I made an observation on the lack of dating happening in Catholic communities. It was simply an observation and did not arrive to an explanation of why. Recently, the thematic has been a recurring thematic both Catholic blogging and locally in my own Church community and Catholic study groups. I’ve decided to find out exactly why Catholics are reluctant to go out with each other. Why will Catholic men surf a half a dozen dating apps before asking a girl out from Church? Why does the Church girl refrain from introducing herself to a nice guy she’s seen at Church?
With the help of a team of young Catholics, I conducted a small survey of 37 Catholic young professionals in Houston, Texas. We asked them to answer ten questions about their dating experiences and expectations within Catholic communities. Several of the girls we surveyed, I wouldn’t mind asking out myself and I personally knew many of the guys to be capable gentlemen.
The survey was divided into separate questions for both men and women. The following is the feedback from the young women in the survey and things guys should probably know socializing in a Catholic community.
Before finding out why there’s not a lot of dating happening, we first attempted to find out if young Catholics even want to go out with each other. Guys should know that, on the women’s side, it’s an affirmative.
78% of the young women in the study reported having seen a guy in the Catholic community they’d like to go out with. That is, at least 3 of 4 women could potentially find at least first date satisfaction in their Catholic communities. 20% of the whole group admitted not having shown interest in their secret crush. There’s room for improvement, but still, it’s not bad considering the other 58% have done something about it. Guys, she may be out there but is just too shy to do anything about it.
When asked what they were looking for from Catholic men, “dating, open to a relationship” was the first choice. Coming in second was “just friends” and finally, the least popular option, “casual dating, nothing serious.” That’s not a huge surprise given that in most cultures dating typically does lead into relationships but it did indicate that many girls are looking for something more than the old “food and fellowship” when joining Church groups. It also indicates that they’d prefer to be friends or really date but not do something casually ambiguous in between.
It appears Catholic guys have an initial advantage in these circles they might not have elsewhere. 100% of the young women say that their Catholic Faith is at least “important” to “really important” in their search for a soul companion. That is, a Catholic guy has already hurdled one deal breaker simply by existing as a Catholic and doing nothing else. Thank your parents for that.
When given a series of scenarios at which a guy would ask them out: online, at random in a bar or coffee shop, through a mutual friend, or in a group, our respondents selected the last two as the most popular. They felt more comfortable for a guy to ask them out while they’re in a Church group feeding the homeless than at random while dolled up at a bar.
After addressing the dating preferences, in general, the study also addressed the actual interactions between guys and girls in the Catholic community. How should you ask someone out?
The preferable method is to be direct and clear. This is especially important in networks where everyone is probably a mutual friend of someone else. In most Catholic communities, everyone is sociable, conversational, and nice to one another. In the sea of niceness it’s harder for girls to distinguish if the guy is just being polite and conversational or if he’s really interested in her.
Contrast this to the bar where it’s a dead giveaway if a guy approaches a girl and asks her a question, like say, “What’s your opinion, should you floss before you brush at night or vice versa?” He’s certainly not doing so because he genuinely just wants to know her opinion on dental hygiene. At Church bingo night, however, the same question could be mistaken for small talk or simply what it sounds like—an effort to get a second opinion on brushing and flossing. From the comments we concluded that genuine interest is easily mistaken for friendliness when everybody is friends.
When given several options on the words a guy should use when asking them out ladies the direct approach prevailed also.
A blunt “Can I take you out to coffee?” followed by asking her for her number scored highest among our survey participants.
Along those lines, the ultimate directness “Can I take you on a date?” would probably do very well also. If all that gives you the shakes, however, a slightly less popular but acceptable alternative approved by about 30% of the group is to ask her to “meet you at a Church event in a few days.”
The participants preferred not to be asked out through social media like Facebook, a surprising find given that the most of us spend an average of 23 days a year on our phone apps. Using your phone to actually make a call, however, was considered to be more effective.
“I mainly just want him to be direct—make it clear that he wants to go on a date and not just hang out,” wrote one slightly annoyed participant. Apparently everyone gets quite a bit of “hanging out” and would appreciate some clarity of intention if a guy wants to take things to another level.
Arriving to the actual date, we also got feedback on what women expect from it. Is the first date really a point of no return? Can you never be “just friends” with that other person once you’ve shared a cup of coffee with them? Or, is it a relatively harmless casual encounter? The young women seemed to think the latter.
“Sometimes I think we might be thinking so much into it that we forget to give it a shot,” one girl wrote in.
“Also, too much pressure over a first date. It’s just a date!” says another respondent.
It seems at least some women aren’t bothered by any post date awkwardness, even when a guy has “dated around”.
“I think there is a false sense that other people will judge you if you go out on get-to-know-you dates with several people before dating seriously, which is silly,” one girl writes in.
This would seem to debunk unwritten Church group customs like “Three Strikes Your Out” in which a guy can ask out a max of three girls from one parish or circle if he wants to continue to be taken seriously.
In general, it seems like women are giving guys in Catholic communities the green light to ask them out. Also, it seems from the responses that they might be pretty fun to go out with. Why do few men take it? In the next blog, I’ll tell their side of the story.
