Catholic Singles

TRAINED TO DO
BY: MARK ANTHONY ROSOLOWSKI

I was sitting outside today, attempting to enjoy the day, but I could not do it, no joy would come to me. I sat there depressed, not wanting to go on, just wanting to give up, and to just slowly drift away. I looked at the picture I was holding, it was of happier days, it was of days that I always had a reason to smile. I cried thinking of those days, wishing I could have them back, wishing they had not passed by so quickly. I hugged the picture tight, whispering how much I love her, how much I want to be with her, how much I miss her.

I look at the picture, is it worth it, is it worth the pain of going on everyday, or is it better to say I am tired and let go? I did not ask for this pain, for this hurt, for this agony, yet it has been given to me, how strong am I supposed to be? Is it permissible to just stop and to say I have had enough, I give up, I do not want anymore, I can not go on, and I want to stop? Most people will say “Keep going”, “It is not that bad”, and “Stop complaining, just be happy.” I answer, I want to stop, yes it is that bad and I do not want to be happy.

I get out of the lawn chair I am sitting in and grab my cane and slowly walk back into my empty apartment. I put the picture back on the television and I light a new candle in front of my statue of my Blessed Mother. I walk to my chair and sit, I look at the stature, I see the beauty of Mary, the sweetness of our Blessed Mother, I ask, “Please take me away, so I can be happy again”, I tell her, “I am tired, I need to rest, I do not want to go on.” I finish with, “I would not be missed if I ceased to exist”; I add “Who would miss me?”

I sit there and think, what else am I suppose to do, haven't I done enough, why can't I just close my eyes and drift off to sleep. My wish comes true to a point; I do drift off to sleep as I pray the Rosary and watch the flame of the candle flicker in front of Mary. As I dream I see the young seaman who lost his legs when a cable snapped on an aircraft carrier, I see how the other corpsmen and I worked to save his life and his legs. I see us put him into the helicopter, I see two of my fellow corpsmen board the helicopter, I watch it lift off and fly to the hospital. A year later I see the same seaman, walking out of the hospital, on his own legs, he has been to therapy, he limps but he has his own legs back. As we pass he stops me, with a tear in his eye he thanks me for the work I did. We embrace, all I can think is that I didn't do anything special; I did what I was trained to do.

I continue to dream, I see my self as a Paramedic, I am responding to a call, a missing child. We arrive at the scene and as the search begins the child is found at the bottom of an algae covered pool, he had fallen through the cover on the pool. We get the child out, we work to get his heart started, to get him breathing, and we work frantically trying to save his life. Our hope is that the water was cold enough to prevent any damage. As we near the hospital, he begins to cough up water, he is breathing on his own, his heart beat is slow and irregular but it is beating on its own. As the doctors and nurses work on him, we clean up, get our equipment together and complete our paperwork. As we walk out of the hospital we pass his parents, they embrace us and thank us for the work that we did, as we walk back to our ambulance, all I think is that I did was what I was trained to do.

I see myself again as I work as a Security/Safety Officer at a hospital, I see a car pull into the parking lot, I watch as the back door opens and I see the people push a naked girl out of the car. I see myself run to her, mentally noting the license of the car. I scoop the limp girl into my arms and carry her into the Emergency Department. I see the doctors and nurses working on the limp child, as the police arrive I give them the description of the vehicle as well as the license number. There is no way to identify the child as she lays there, I pray that she will be safe, that she will be helped, I pray that we will find out who she is. After a few minutes the police walk in with her clothing, torn and ripped, in a pocket is her school identification, we have a name at least. We check the phone book for the last name and begin calling numbers with the same last name. After several calls her parents are found and they are told about their daughter. Her parents arrive at the hospital and are told what had happened and how those that did this to their daughter were caught. More relatives arrive, her grandparents, aunts and uncles. The story is told to them, at the end of my shift I walk out of the office and through the Emergency Room, her relatives thank me, I acknowledge them take hands as they are offered as well as the hugs. As I walk away I start to think to myself that I only did what I was trained to do.

I wake up and I realize that I was there at those times because it was God's will for me to be there. God gave me the talents that I used to save a man's legs, a child's life and to rescue another child. If I had not been there, would those people have ended up as they did? Would the outcome have been the same? That is a question that cannot be answered, but God put me there at those times to be in those lives. I look at the statue and the Rosary in my hand, I am in tears as I say, "Mary, I am still tired, but I will continue, if I'm not here, someone will miss me, I have to do what God trained me to do."