Catholic Singles

I CAN NOT LIVE
BY: MARK ANTHONY ROSOLOWSKI

I walk the streets alone, I live our dreams alone, I watch out granddaughter grow up alone. I sit in the house, alone. All those things I am doing alone, I find the one thing I can not do alone, I can not live without you. I can exist, but I cannot live without you.

I sit at my computer, and I look to the bedroom, expecting to see you come out in your wheelchair. With that smile on your face, the one I so often called your pretty smile. I sit there as I watch and I cry your leaving has left an open spot in my heart. A pain in my heart that I try to patch, but cannot, our love was so deep, so wonderful, I do not think that I will ever fill it again. So I sit at my computer, thinking of you, wanting you, existing without you, but I am not living, I can not live without you.

I watch our granddaughter grow up. She has a smile that radiates brightness, just as yours use to. How I wish you were here to see her grow, to share the joys and the sorrows with me. As I watch her grow, I sit back and I cry, knowing that what should be a pleasure you should be enjoying with me, just can not be done. I resign myself to know that I can not share these moments with you. Now as I watch her grow, watch her get bigger, I just exist without you, you can not call it living, and I can not live without you.

I think of our dreams, our desires, how we wanted to spend our lives together. I think of the plans we had, our hopes. I remember how we had planned on moving to Texas, to Corpus Christi, the place we both fell in love with when I was stationed there. Now, I can not go, I can not leave you, I can only live our dreams in my mind. I see us dancing on the sands, I see us living our lives out in happiness, but that will not happen. Our dreams have been shattered, so I exist, remembering our dreams, I can not live without you.

I watch myself walking into stores, I am alone. How I loved caring for you. How it made me feel love. How I ached when I saw the tears in your eyes from the pain that you felt. The pain you were in everyday of your life. I remember the fun we had though as I pushed your wheelchair through the mall. How we would go get something to eat, how I held your hand as we ate, I never wanted to be away from you, and I wanted to hold you forever. That is never to be again, my purpose for living is gone, you were why I lived, now I exist, I can not live without you.

I think of all of this as I lay down at night, I remember how I enjoyed living, how much love I had for life. The love of life is gone from me. I pray that I will find a reason to love life again. I ask God, why He had to take you, I am left without an answer; I ask Him why did He leave me alone, He does not answer. I ask Him for the power and the will to live and not just exist, He does not answer. I ask God, if He is deaf and can not hear my cries, is He blind that He can not see my tears. I ask Him, why my pleas are being ignored, I receive no answer.

As I lay there, I remember the joys we shared, the love we shared, what God has given me, I remember that He gave me the greatest, the deepest most profound love that one can imagine. I remember that in our love, I saw God, each and everyday, God gave me a love that can only be topped by the love that He has for me. Out of this love I have two wonderful children and a beautiful granddaughter. I have memories of the life that we shared, I see the fun that we had, as well as the sorrowful, and I see how we were there for each other. I see how we lived for each other and for God. As I lay there I think that I can go on, that I can live again, that God has a plan for everything He does. So as I lay there and think, I decide, I have to live again. I have to live again for God and I have to remember to let Him take control of my life. I will no longer just exist; I will live, because it is without God that I cannot live.