Catholic Singles

I AM NOTHING BUT JUNK
BY: MARK ANTHONY ROSOLOWSKI

Have you ever felt like saying, "I am not worth it", "Life is just a waste", and of course, "Don't waste your time on me," All of those statements, we are in a sense saying "I am junk." To be truthful there were times in my life that I have felt like that; there was a time where I held a knife to my wrist, figuring that it would be better without me. I will never know what made me stop cutting from wrist to elbow, but someone actually stopped me.

At a time in my life, I felt lost, I knew I was drowning, I was being sucked away, I saw no way out. As I was going down for the third time, I saw a way out, I saw a solution to all of my problems, and I found an escape. It would be so easy to do, I was alone, no one would find me for a few days and by then it would be too late. It was the perfect way out, I would no longer be tormented by the pain and suffering that life brings, it would all end.

I went around the apartment, I assured that all of the windows were closed and latched. I closed and bolted the front door and put the chain on, if someone tried to get in they would have to break the door down. I picked up the blade I was going to use and looked at it; this was going to be my saving grace. I had a sheet of plastic on the chair where I was going to do it. I sat in the chair, lit my last cigar, it was the last Cuban cigar I had. My friend stationed at Gitmo, sent me cigars every now and then, he knew how much I loved them. We had smoked many together over the years we were in the Navy together.

As I smoked the cigar, I thought back to my Navy days, I could see him and me smoking cigars and laughing and joking around. I saw him with me after my daughter was born; we were standing outside the Naval Hospital, talking about how good life was and how lucky we both were. He had a new son about 6 months old and we celebrated life. I saw him a short time later as we hugged shook hands as he shipped out for duty on the Dallas.

I continued to smoke, tears in my eyes, as I thought about our friendship, a friendship I would never know again. Then I thought of the different memorable times that I had shared with my wife, I saw our wedding day, I saw the birth of our daughter, and I saw the fearful time surrounding my son’s birth. I saw us walking together, holding hands, hugging, kissing the happiest time of my life. I then saw her in her wheelchair at a Columbus Day Ball, I saw us dancing her in the wheelchair me guiding it around. I saw us embrace at the end of the dance; I felt the pain of her death again, but ease in the knowledge that she was no longer in pain, and in a place that is full of peace and love.

As I finished the cigar, and was ready to cut, someone knocked at my door. I figured I had to answer it, as I opened my door I saw a neighbor of mine. Her husband had been killed in a car accident about a year prior to this. She asked me if I could come next door and help her with changing an overhead light. She told me she hated getting up on ladders and that was the only way to change the light bulbs. I went into her apartment and saw her two young sons playing in another room. She told them to stay in that room till we got finished with the light. I got up and changed the light and at the same time moved the ladder and changed the other bulb, since I knew when one goes the next will soon follow.

When I was done I asked if there was anything else she needed done, I figured I would not be around much longer so I had to do all I could for her before it was too late. She asked me if I could please carry some boxes down to her car, she told me it was her husband’s clothing and she was donating it to her church for a clothing drive they were having for families that were homeless because of a fire in their apartments. I carried the boxes down and when I was done she invited me in for a piece of homemade apple pie.

We sat there talking and her sons came out for some pie. I finally saw their t-shirts on one it read, “Please be patient, God is not finished with me yet”, the other read, “God, does not make junk.” After I finished my pie we talked for a short time and I then told her I had to go home. As I was leaving she told me that she knew I liked cigars, she told me her husband also smoked cigars and she had kept these cigars in the humidor and kept the humidor charged since her husband had been killed. She added, “I guess I was always waiting for him to come home.” With tears in her eyes she handed me the humidor and told me to enjoy them. At first I refused but she said, “Please take them, he would want me to thank you for all the kindness you show me and our sons.” I thanked her and took them. I walked back to my apartment and closed and bolted the door again, it was time.

I sat in the chair, picked up the blade, and I saw, “Please be patient, God is not finished with me yet”, I saw, “God does not make junk”, I heard her words echo, “Thank you for all the kindness you have shown me and our sons.” I looked at the blade and put it down; I took the plastic off the chair and threw it and the blade in the garbage. I went around and opened the windows; I unbolted the door, because friends have to be able to get in. I looked up and thanked God for stopping me, He sent me a message I needed to hear, a message we all need to be reminded of, first, none of us are junk, we are all a work in progress, and second, we may not see it but we are all important to someone through random acts of kindness.