Catholic Singles

WOULD'VE DONE IT DIFFERENTLY
BY: MARK ANTHONY ROSOLOWSKI

I went to the cemetery the other day, as I laid flowers on my wife’s grave, I looked at the headstone. I saw her name and under it was 1960-2008, I thought back to the day she died. I remembered how I cried at losing her. I remembered the pain I felt as my heart was torn in two and half of it died. I remembered asking God why she had to leave, she was so young, and we still had so much to do. I said to myself, “If I had only known, I would’ve done it differently.”

As I drove home I thought to myself, if I had done it differently I would not have any of the pain and my heart would still be whole. I unlocked the door and went into the apartment, it is always silent now, and no longer do I hear her welcome me home. Yes, if I had done it differently, I would not long to hear her say, “Who’s that coming in my house” her usual greeting that always made me smile because I knew I was home.

I hung my keys on the hook, and went into the living room, how empty it is, I put a movie in the DVD player and lay on the sofa. It is not as enjoyable watching movies, I play them mainly as background noise. I miss laughing and watching movies with her, as we snuggled on the sofa munching on popcorn and drinking iced tea. If I had taken a different path, not picked her, if my choice was different, I would not miss those times.

I closed my eyes for a second, the second draws on, I drift off to sleep and see my life as it would be if I had done it differently. I see myself lonely; I am without anyone to love or anyone to love me. I notice that as I go through life there is no one there to share my triumphs or to be there to hold me when I have a failure. I see myself growing older and as I do there are no memories to look back on there is only that day.

Then I see myself as a young man, I hear a priest say, “You may kiss the bride” I see her eyes sparkle, I feel her arms around me, I feel our lips touch. A few years later I see us in a Naval Hospital, I hear a doctor say, “It’s a girl”. I see the smile on her face, I hear her say “I love you”. A few more years pass, our son is born, I nearly lose her that day, I beg God to let her live, she does and I thank God as I hear her say, “I love you.” I see us celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions, all of them I see her smile, I hear her laughter and I hear, “I love you”. I go ahead more years, I see myself caring for her as she is sick, I see the smile on her face through the pain, I hear her say “I love you.” Finally I see the day that she died, I see her and I wake up, I am in tears, I did not want it to end.

As I feel the pain return I think back to a movie I saw years ago, it was, “Oh God, Book II”. In this movie God played by George Burns is asked by a little girl, “Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?” The answer was, “When I make a top, I have to make a bottom, if I make a left, I have to make a right, so if I do away with pain and suffering, happiness and love have to go with it.” I realized that the pain I feel is what I must feel so that I could have the love that I shared with her. I guess I would not have done it any different then the way I did.